For the past several weeks I have been struggling over something that may look stupid to most people. I have had countless sleepless nights, days filled with anxiety and moments where I have been so lost in thought that some days it’s a wonder that I return from it! You’re probably thinking what’s going on with this woman? What could be so terrible that she is losing sleep over? Well let me tell you… On Sunday it is my 30th Birthday, and I can’t seem to come to terms with it. It seems so futile and irrelevant doesn’t it? Well to me it’s not and here’s why…
I remember when I was about 15 or 16 years old, I had a diary I would write in each day. I remember making a list of my long term and short term goals. I can clearly remember writing out everything I was hoping to accomplish by different ages of my life. My short term goals where simple things like passing my exams and just making it through school. My long term goals where a little different though. I remember writing down that by the age of 30 I was to have my life sorted out; get my driver’s license, fall in love, get married, have kids, own a beautiful home, have a successful career where I brought in my share and just have my life together, no debt, things like that!
As I look back now, I realize that my life has definitely not turned out how I had planned it, at all. I have accomplished some of those things, but the timeline is all topsy turvy. This is how my life turned out. At the age of 18 I fell in love, I had never loved anyone before. I then went on to falling pregnant and we had our son at 19, then at 20 I got married and started a job to support my little family, at the age of 23 my husband and I had our daughter, and at the age of 28 I got my driver’s license. I was knee deep in debt because I had no option but to provide for my family.
As I look back I can see that my life didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. I have been wallowing over it for a few weeks now. If you’re close to me you will probably know all this already along with how I have been feeling lately. Luckily God placed my husband and my one friend in my life because if He didn’t I would still be moping and carrying on like my life is a complete stuff up. They helped me to see clearly. You see, the devil used my 15 year old hopes and dreams to try and bring me down, to make me feel like a failure, to make me feel like turning 30 could be the end of it for me.
This week I have been re-assessing my life. God has placed scripture in my daily path that has encouraged me and has helped me to work through this. You see, when I was 15 I hadn’t given my heart to Jesus yet, it was only 2 years later before I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour…it’s this important reminder that makes everything different. I never included God in any of my goals; long or short term! Yes my goal timeline is very different to how things turned out but that what’s marvellous about it. You see, from when I gave my life, I tried to make all decisions very prayerfully and thoughtfully. Yes…I fell pregnant at a very young age and before I got married, but that’s ok, God has helped me through that and I have drawn closer to Him and my husband because of it. Yes, I don’t have a successful career that helps me to provide for my family, but let me tell you what I am doing; I have been blessed with the opportunity to home-school my kids, I get to help build and nourish them mentally, physically and spiritually every day. I don’t get paid in cash, I get paid in pure love and hugs. Yes I only got my license 10 years after I was supposed to get it, but I used getting my license as a testimony and I like to think that I have helped someone out there overcome the same fear I faced all those years putting it off. Yes I don’t have a home of my own and you know what, that’s ok because I have a roof over my head and that’s so much more than most people have. I am pleased to say that God has helped my husband and myself out of debt and we are debt free for almost 3 years now.
To the world I am a failure and I’m really fine with that because when I die I’m not going to stand before the world, I’m going to stand before God and He knows everything! He saw my heart and tears in every life decision, He heard my prayers and frustrations but most importantly He guided me through it all and I know for a fact it’s all been for a greater purpose. What that purpose is, I have no clue. I am just going to trust God and know that my life has a plan, an important plan to help others.
Here’s where I want to encourage you.
Firstly, trust God and His will, His plans for your life are far greater than anything you could imagine. Seek God and pray always!
It’s ok if your life hasn’t panned out the way you wanted it to because Gods plans are much greater.
It doesn’t matter what the world thinks of you, I’d much rather be right standing with God than with the world!
Quality over quantity.
You are going to change lives, so hang in there and know that whatever happens… happens!
Don’t let the enemy discourage you, fill each day with God’s word, let it be the encouragement you need to keep going.
Jeremiah 29 vs 11-14a NLT
““For I know the plans I have for you”, says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you.””
God’s got this! Trust Him!!
Here’s to turning 30!!!