Lately I have been struggling to keep myself motivated, I have been struggling to express myself, I have been struggling to blog. Every time I think I’m on to something, something happens that leaves me demotivated altogether. Every time I think I have a blog brewing, God shows me something else, but I keep on ignoring God because I want to blog about what I think is necessary…even though I cannot see the bigger picture. I’m always telling others to trust God and hang in there because He knows what He is doing, but I cannot even do it myself, quite the hypocrite I am!
At the end of the day, Gods will, will prevail. As much as I have been putting this blog off, I’m getting it out there now. What happened next is what made me go ahead with this blog.
Two weeks ago, I was doing bible study with my children and we came across a bible study that got me thinking. This study led us to a discussion about sin and giving up. I knew in my heart that God was talking to me because I had been putting off this particular bible study for a couple of days now, replacing it with an easier bible study every time. God got through to me in this bible study, but I still had this hesitation in my heart to go ahead with this blog. Sunday came along and I was sitting in church and our Pastor said a few things that hit me hard in my heart. I’m pretty sure her sermon meant something completely different to my husband because when we were talking about it in the car on the way home it seemed as if I was in another service altogether. I know why though, deep down in my heart I knew that God was showing me what I had to do. I let another whole week pass, playing with my thoughts and emotions until eventually here I sit, trying to get this all out.
So, quite recently my hubby and I made a change to the church we were attending, I’m not going to lie to you, its not the first time I have left our old church in pursue of a new one. I have left the church four times to be exact. Every time with a reason as to why I wasn’t meant to be there, it was first the church was too old school and I was not growing spiritually, then it was supposedly the Pastors wife causing strife in our lives, then it was our old Pastor left us with someone who I though had no clue what was going on and we weren’t going to grow there, then the last time there was something wrong with the leadership and we just didn’t fit in there. You see every time we left a church we let good, honest people down. We always blamed them for what was going wrong, well I always blamed them. Not once did I ever consider that maybe its not the church, or the Pastors or the leadership, but maybe, just maybe, I was the problem. You see its so easy to find fault in others, we are really good at that part, but to see where we are wrong and have wronged is quite the challenge. The bible says in Matthew 7 vs 5 that we should first remove the log within our own eyes before we can deal with the speck in our friend’s eye. I have read this verse many times in my life, I like to think that I have always lived by it, but to be totally honest, I haven’t!
The main problem for me is, I join a church and I’m on fire, I’m excited and I get involved and then something small happens and I let God and everyone else down, every single time. I used to think that commitment was easy, but apparently, I battle with this, well not apparently, definitely. As soon as the going gets tough, I get up, find something, well anything to pin the blame on and I move on. It’s a simple as that if I break it all down for you.
Moving on to the bible study I previously mentioned. So, the kids and I were discussing sin and how easy it is to do what is wrong and how hard it is to do what was right. Man, I preached it to my now 10-year-old and my 6-year-old and God was like “Hey, Allison, this is you!” It’s really hard to join a church, serve and stay committed, but its so easy to leave and let everyone down. Its really hard to keep going when it seems like the world is against you, but its so easy to give up, man is it easy.
I can’t help but think what must be going through my children’s heads every time they see mommy give up, I’m basically teaching them that its easier to give up than hold in there and do what is right.
My husband is collateral damage in my giving up, my children are collateral damage in my giving up, my family who go with me to church are collateral damage in my giving up, my friends are collateral damage in my giving up and all those who I let down every time are collateral damage in my giving up!
Reading this I’m sure you think I’m selfish to keep going through the same cycle and you are right, but don’t worry, I’m a work in progress. Ten years ago, I wasn’t ready to understand something as simple as commitment, I am now! Through all that has happened in the past decade, I have learnt, this has been one huge learning experience for me.
I know that people have got hurt along the way and for that I am terribly sorry, but I also know that I love and serve an All-knowing, All-powerful and merciful God who knows my future and yours, I know that through all that has happened, God has taken care of those I have let down in the past, God is so good all the time! I know that what has happened cannot be undone but I can change what I do next.
So right here and right now I choose not to give up, even when the going gets tough I’m going to stick it out. Most importantly I’m going to trust in God in all that I do. No more giving up! If you know me and you see that I’m spiraling downward toward my path of collateral damage please send me this blog as a reminder, not to forget how far I have come and how far I still have to go.
A little encouragement for you.
Even though its hard, be it in your marriage, at home, at work, your health, your finances or at church, don’t give up…Ever! Beautiful things are going to happen in your life if you hold on and move forward unwaveringly. Trust God always and know that He has everything under control. Pray, Pray and Pray some more, it really does help!
If you’re cool in this department, help someone who battles, a little encouragement goes a long way. Send someone this blog, maybe they need to read what I have to say, maybe they don’t but they know someone who does…a little encouragement goes a long way.(Yes, I repeated myself, but for good reason.)
To all those I have hurt and let down, to all my collateral damages, I am so sorry that you got caught in the middle of it. I’m sorry that I hurt you, please forgive me and know that God is working in my life just as He is working in yours.
P.S. It was really hard for me to bear my heart for all to see, it was really hard to be this honest and show you who I truly am…it was really hard to not give up halfway through this blog and scrap it, but I didn’t, so please be gentle on me.